親子關係衝突的盲點|父母也極度需要被孩子肯定

作者:司馬儀

很多人終其一生都在追求渴望父母的肯定或關懷或關注,又因為不可得而悲傷或憤怒。

 

書店內很多親子書籍探討孩子們在親子關係的傷口,但很多人其實沒有意識到父母也可能脆弱(父母很可能沒有我們想的那麼堅強和強壯),也可能無助(譬如想要改善親子關係的僵局卻苦無方法)或憂鬱(可能因為經濟或身體健康等問題苦惱),更重要的是父母也可能期盼獲得孩子的肯定和認可。

父母的內心也能還住著一個不想長大的孩子

我會相信多數的爸媽心裡面都還住著一個沒有長大的孩子(就像永遠都長不大的我們),只是他們因為社會的期待因為揹著父母的身分,被迫必須在孩子面前展現成熟堅韌甚至強勢的那一面。

 

當孩子們心裡盼望著:爸媽能否讚美我認同我的同時,也可以反求諸己思考自己上一回何時讚美過或主動擁抱過的自己的媽?

言語上的讚美像是「謝謝你們照顧我那麼久,真是不好意思!」 「謝謝您們這麼多年的照顧和付出,犧牲了很多享樂的機會和自由」 「最喜歡媽媽的料理了」「謝謝媽媽不論再忙都堅持幫我們煮準備三餐」「雖然你不是完美的爸爸,但已經是世界上分數最高的爸爸,因為我不想跟別人交換爸爸」

 

當然有一種可能是:你盡力去付出讚美或擁抱,然後很多年之後,你發現對方還是無法愛你(對方還是困在自己的憂鬱或個人苦痛糾結裡面無法愛你)…我個人並不相信母愛或父愛是天生的,家暴比例太高,情緒暴力又更多….

 

如果你已經盡一切可能做一個你認為孝順的孩子該做的事,但狀況卻無法有絲毫好轉(或你的負面情緒已經超過負荷,那代表你已經受傷了),那麼調整關係和相處時間,包括調整期望值都是很需要的(譬如從冀望親暱的親子關係,變成和平的親子關係)希望每個人都可以找到出口(母愛父愛不是天生的,擁有無私父愛母愛的人,都是祝福的一部分,不能擁有也別傷心,只是剛好你的考驗是在這一個區塊而已)

▲大愛劇場《雨過天青》片頭曲 《 媽媽是一首歌

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Wise Library 1985

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