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The Cost & Danger of Conflict Avoidance

Created by Wise Library 1985


Deal With Difference and Conflicts 

Holding off conflicts happens when one partner does their best to avoid any possible arguments and disagreements in order to protect the relationship.  Dealing with disagreements can be stressful because it creates more uncertainty, discomfort, and anxiety. However,  conflict avoidance is dangerous as well. Conflict avoidance is much like poisoning your relationship little by little. Conflict avoidance is much like ignoring the sting in the relationship. By doing so, discomfort and distrust will accumulate. As disagreements are being delayed, denied, avoided, or handled ineffectively, the relationship will be in trouble. As uncomfortable feelings are being suppressed repeatedly, the relationship will be in trouble. Even the most seemingly trivial disagreements are likely to damage a relationship in the long term if not addressed. Solve the problem ASAP as you identify the problem. Conflict avoidance will make problems fester and the relationship will be estranged. Be aware of the cost of inhibiting deep communication in a relationship. Again, do not ignore problems in a relationship. 

Benefits of Conflict 

Are you conflict allergic? Solving disagreements can be stressful and tricky. However, it’s more important s to express our needs and emotions authentically. Dealing with conflict properly and constructively will promise a deeper, more stable, and healthier relationship. In a relationship, there will be uncomfortable disagreements. 


It is challenging when our lover or life partner disagrees with our opinions or suggestions. Why different viewpoints potentially result in friction or even outright conflict?

There are rules to guarantee the potential positive benefits of dealing with conflicts. Avoid negative judgments and criticism. Avoid blaming. Avoid using negative vocabulary in the conversation. Focus on what you want and what you prefer in the future. Conflict might activate our fight-or-flight self-protection mechanism. Some hurtful words will destroy relationships in a minute. 


  1. Avoid using negative vocabulary in the conversation. Don’t make accusations if you want to improve the relationship. Avoid blaming the other person
  2. Do not argue about who’s right and wrong in a given situation.
  3. Express what you care, what you desire, and what you expect in a relationship
  4. Express your priorities in a relationship
  5. Express what’s acceptable and what’s non-negotiable in a relationship 
  6. It’s not necessary to reach a consensus on the spot. It takes time to make a big decision. It takes time to make compromises between both parties. 
  7. Make sure you communicate in a soft tone without pulling a long face. 

When there is too much discomfort in a relationship, the relationship is in danger. A happy and healthy relationship occurs when both parties feel comfortable expressing their views. A happy and healthy relationship occurs when both parties are not afraid of expressing their thoughts and feelings. It’s true that conflict might cause damages. Avoidance of conflict will never create true companionship. Avoidance of conflict will never create a relationship with deep understanding. Bonds will be stronger after a constructive conflict. A happy and healthy relationship will grow strong after solving the conflicts in a relationship. 


It’s scientifically proven that bottling up ou negative emotions potentially increases the risk of premature death and cancer. Conflict avoidance impacts our relationships in a negative manner. Conflict avoidance stops you from having honest communication with your lover or a life partner. In the long run, conflict avoidance ends up harming intimacy in a relationship.


A Couples Therapist: Conflict Avoidance Destroys Your Marriage
Conflict avoidance pattern erodes the relationship foundation because if you keep withdrawing from deep communication to save peace in your relationship, you inevitably start a war inside yourself and you are doomed to suffer negative emotions persistently. What is worse, negative emotions will accumulate and explode without any notice. When conflict avoidance becomes a repetitive pattern, it builds up resentment and dissatisfaction.

A communication style where you simply withdraw from communication and stop responding is called stonewalling, according to Dr. John Gottman who’s has researched divorce prediction and marital stability for the past 40 years. Dr. Gottman considers stonewalling to be one of the four most harmful behaviors to marriage. The other three bad communication styles include criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. According to his research, stonewalling is the second behavior that predicts divorce with over 90 percent accuracy.

What do you call a person who avoids conflict?
A person who refuses to confront a dispute is called a pacifist. Generally, a pacifist is a peacemaker who values harmony and prioritizes harmony over anything else. 

Conflict Avoidance 

Being conflict-avoidant means avoiding any possible disagreements at all costs. Avoiding conflict can be a habit or even evolve into a personality. Conflict avoidance has something to do with people-pleasing behavior and failed communication experiences, which arise from fear of upsetting others. Those who exhibit conflict avoidance tendencies have a higher chance to grow up in an environment where disagreements are discouraged and absolute obedience is expected.


Solving disagreements may be scary or unnerving. However, do not shy away from having open and healthy communication. Without solving disagreements and discomfort in a relationship, you have to endure uncomfortable situations persistently.

Signs and Examples of Conflict Avoidance

  • Avoid the slightest disagreement
  • Fear of irritating anyone and disappointing anyone
  • Deny an issue exists by ignoring it
  • Sidestep conversations to avoid any possible conflict
  • Avoid directly confronting the issue at hand
  • Pretend some problems never happened or don’t exist.


More Info

5 Benefits of Workplace Conflict | Queen’s University IRC


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Life can be beautiful without perfection. There’s a strong link between unconditional love and posttraumatic growth. In truth, people only witness unconditional love during hard times. Unconditional love is found in imperfections. Imperfections teach us to be humble and compassionate. If you believe in miracles, be aware of the seven deadly sins and the power of tenderness. Earn approval and luck from God. According to the Bible, no one will be exempt from life challenges, including the chosen ones (1 Peter 1:3-9). God expects us to stay hopeful and “rejoice in our sufferings,” for “trials of various kinds” are training to make us “perfect and complete” (Romans 5:3-6, James 1:1-27). It’s comforting to know that “God promises to make something good out of the storm” (Roman 8: 28). We fall and we grow. There's a strong connection between unhealed trauma and a dysfunctional immune system. If you rush yourself to become a better me, that might be a sign of unhealed trauma. As we learn to humble ourselves, life gets better. The connection between the brain and stomach is bidirectional. Negative emotions and chronic stress sabotage people's immune system. 70% to 80% of our immunity hinges on our gut health. Memory loss and cognitive impairment are common symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease, all of which are highly connected to type 2 diabetes. Early signs of type 2 diabetes include chronic fatigue, irritability, frequent urination, vision problems, and slow wound healing. Depression is prevalent in people with diabetes due to the fact that diabetes causes “structural changes in the brain.” Muscle-building helps regulate blood sugar levels. There is growing evidence that high blood sugar leads to reduced muscle mass. Beyond that, there’s a strong link between sleep deprivation and emotional weakness. People suffer from suppressed anger and pessimism. God is watching our every move. God sees through our motives. Mental health crisis is sweeping on a global scale because the core value of capitalism is incompatible with what human truly needs. Money cannot purchase inner peace. Wealth incurs fair-weather friends, frenemies, and snobs. I would say, inner peace is the utmost blessing from God. Stop recording the faults of others and practice compassion mediation instead.我喜歡文字,大概是因為我喜歡永恆的東西,而世上多數的東西都不是。不是所有人都需要心靈雞湯,如果你絕對正向而強壯。養心養身,而潛意識24小時不睡覺,身體自癒的開關落在潛意識的區塊,只有絕對入骨的正向樂觀才能痊癒,恐懼傷骨傷腎,老人家們容易膝蓋牙齒不好是因為恐懼多憂慮多。中醫主張生悶氣、恐懼、悲觀和過食是疾病的根源。自認不是棉花糖的勵志派,是寫實警世的定位,但我肯定有邏輯基礎的正向思考,Bible很多內容都很科學,也符合中醫的論點。佛教主張前世今生的因果論,而 Bible主張人生只有一回,但人生必有難題。難題分兩種,一種是磨練鍛鍊心智的training,好好表現,災難的背後會有禮物。禍福相依,壞消息可能帶來跳板、第三條路的視野、或逆境激發潛力。好消息往往伴隨更多責任挑戰,甚至暗藏陷阱,很多好消息最後變成頭痛點。第二種難題是試煉,上蒼期望你我在逆境中堅守,試煉,是上蒼決定該不該給你我天堂入場卷的門票!猶太人虔誠,但他們的教堂沒有神像沒有十字架,只有書(因為信仰在心中)。人生有很多上蒼的隨堂考,當掉就要重修(歷史就會重演)。氣生災,如果你我相信成功需要幸運,把「柔」做好,就可以賺福氣。Bible強調柔軟的力量、自律、謙卑、口舌之禍及傲慢之惡。寫信給站長(責任編輯)司馬儀: 如果遭受暴力(家暴,或霸凌)、性侵或性騷擾或任何身心虐待,撥打113保護專線,24小時全年無休。生活學業工作等等困擾,撥打安心專線「1925」。若簽約租賃碰到詐騙,撥打165反詐騙專線(警察)或內政部警政署反詐騙諮詢專線:0800-018-110


6 個回應

  1. Dudu:謝謝你這麼說,從你的留言得到很多安慰(▰˘◡˘▰)謝謝你這麼說,真的非常感激 *♡→ܫ←♡✧啊,想要推薦日劇《熟男不結婚2》大有趣了ლ(́◕◞౪◟◕‵ლ)ε不知道會不會是你喜歡的日劇類型,但比預期更喜歡,對我來說是很有收穫…你的暱稱很特別,就是一個很特別的女生,謝謝你出現在我的生命裡(▰˘◡˘▰)

  2. Dudu表示:

    雖說網路上能找到的文章很多,但是這裡我特別喜歡,不管哪個面向都讓我覺得很有成長 *♡→ܫ←♡✧ (不好意思地說自從follow這裡後,很多其他地方的文章我看一半關起來 shh… (=´ᴥ`)) 謝謝妳創立了這個地方。
    我跟男友的感情的部分… 從上次分開我開始接觸這裡後,現在是堅定的~ 誤會解開,裂縫填平,我們現在都更加珍惜彼此。 (我本來也想著破鏡難圓 ,但事實上現在的關西反而更緊密)
    最近常分享的文章,好好講話的重要。對我這神經大條的人真的很有幫助 *♡→ܫ←♡✧

  3. Dudu:確實很容易一方把另一方的分手決定,當作是冷戰的不開心或衝動情緒化的說法而已(也可能是因為你們的關係有一定的基礎一定的厚度,所以即便是當時你說了分手,他也沒有覺得關係糟糕到你會認真想分手的程度.這樣解讀對嗎?)…你的分享,總是會讓我學習到什麼 (▰˘◡˘▰)確實,會想好好解釋說明,就是因為還在乎吧…只要彼此都願意給彼此好好說明的時間與機會,好好解決關係中可能存在的誤會或疙瘩或不舒服的地方,關係應該就可以恆溫而圓滿(成為沒有縫隙的堅定關係),可以感受到你的幸福♡→ܫ←♡ლ(́◕◞౪◟◕‵ლ)ε٩(๑> ₃ <)۶з 

  4. Dudu表示:

    我男友都把那時期歸類在冷戰~ 但我認知是分手 ʅ(´◔౪◔)ʃ 我當時因為衝動提分手,但之後想好好道別,(事實是割捨不下),所以才想解釋說明。也才解開了很多在關西中我生悶氣的點,都是自己想出來的,例如要不要公開: 交往初期我認為不適合,但是後來我覺得可以時沒告訴他,他並不知道,所以變成我常胡思亂想。現在已經有共識,我也不會亂不開心的 ε٩(๑> ₃ <)۶з 。

  5. (▰˘◡˘▰)很謝謝你這麼說…「分開的那陣子才開始溝通」,因為還在乎還割捨不下,所以才能兩個人願意繼續花時間把誤會或疙瘩說出來對嗎?你的分享好重要好有意義,「出發點都是在替對方著想,或是為對方預設了一個立場」,我想你們都是心思細膩的人…你們的故事讓我亂感動的啊啊啊ε٩(๑> ₃ <)۶з 很暖,謝謝你*♡→ܫ←♡✧

  6. Dudu表示:

    記得司馬儀有一篇文章也有寫到「害怕衝突所以逃避溝通,但是不溝通才是更大的問題」。It really helps me a lot in a relationship. 我跟男友曾經都怕傷害感情所以不溝通,最後因為累積誤會分開一陣子。(分開的那陣子才開始溝通,(吵架結尾),後來發現說開的每件事,出發點都是在替對方著想,或是為對方預設了一個立場。現在我們都會跟對方說,”我很愛你,想跟你在一起很久,所以我想要問你(溝通)….. ” 這麼做後,我們感情更好。深刻體會迴避衝突不做溝通才是最傷害一段關西~



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